So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
