So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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