It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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