my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
