You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
