You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
