omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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