i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
