i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
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My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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