i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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