Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
