Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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