she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
