i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
