I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
