How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
