i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
