i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
