Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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