Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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