Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
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I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
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The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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