He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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