I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
even my farts smell like vagina
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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