I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
