I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
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My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
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When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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