living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
