the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
