i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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