I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I AM VODKA MAN
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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