I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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