I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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