just tell him i said nine months
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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