i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I didn't notice because vodka
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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