u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
