i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the day after is always just damage control
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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