Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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