I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
