Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
