New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
