there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
