well I can't set my house on fire every night
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
