I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
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I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
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It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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