if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
