I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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