I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
pray to the hookup gods
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
