So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
