I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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