Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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