Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
