You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
