so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
