white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
