so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
