Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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