and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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