Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
