I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
